Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Yesterday, I spent so much time feeling hungry. It's not that I'm skipping any meals, and I'm not on a diet. To be honest, I pretty much ate all day long. (Yep, it was one of those days).
As I stood in the kitchen yet again, wondering what was wrong with me - how could I possibly still be hungry? - I was overcome with a realization.
A sad realization - but to me, so overwhelmingly true that I want to share it with you, in case you ever feel the same way. (You're not alone.)
I believe my inability to feel full is a metaphor for something else I'm feeling empty about.
These days, I'm sinking into reality. Into truth. Into sadness. I'm finding that letting yourself feel how you feel (especially when that feeling is grief), is extremely brave. It takes courage to allow those feelings to run their course.
I tried to fight the sadness for days. I'd turn on the music as loud as it would go, to drown out my thoughts. I overbooked myself with plans, giving myself no time to be alone with my thoughts. I was hiding in a spot of denial. But somehow my efforts to rid my mind + heart of sadness would backfire and the sadness would grow stronger.
Some things happen in our life that will inevitably stay with us forever. Both happy and sad. I know I'll carry this summer in my heart forever. Just as I'll never forget the ones who are helping me assemble my broken pieces. The ones who tell me everything will be okay. Who drive for two hours just to give me a hug + fresh flowers. Who give words of encouragement, and where to look in the Bible for comfort + peace. I have extreme gratitude + love + appreciation for this, and for these people. It is not easy being vulnerable. Being sad. Telling this story, so raw. But what would have been even harder + more painful would have been to go through it alone.
I'm learning that we should never feel like we are a burden for telling the truth, especially when the truth is painful. We should never feel like something is wrong with us, or that we are not normal, or that there is something wrong with our bodies, or that we could have controlled the outcome. Those thoughts were a battle for me at first. But I'm learning to accept them as truths.
So what happened to me this summer, specifically?
In a nutshell, we found out I was pregnant at the end of June. Shortly after that, it was thought that I was miscarrying. And then after that, we found out it was an ectopic pregnancy. I don't believe I could ever sum up all of the feelings + thoughts + emotions - other than to say it has been sad, terrifying, physically + emotionally draining.
Sometimes I feel embarrassed about my sadness because life is still beautiful. There is so much to be thankful for. It could be worse. Everyone is going through something. On and on.
I suppose it is less about our circumstances and more about our reactions to them, right?
I take comfort in knowing that God has great things in store for each of us. While He works in mysterious ways I'll never be able to comprehend, I am still His child and He still loves me. (And he loves you, too).
Sending love + comfort for whatever it is you're going through, friends.