embracing the cracks.

i wasn't strong enough to try to hide the tears when mom left yesterday afternoon.
i suppose i always feel that way when our time together is done. but tears? not usually.
and then, i couldn't stop crying once she was gone. or this morning in the shower.

it is undeniable- her way of making me feel better. just by being there.
part of me doesn't feel worthy of so much love.

but a much bigger part feels so incredibly thankful. 
she cleaned my house. and brought fresh flowers. cozy turquoise socks + a soft, pretty blanket. lots of soups and smoothies. and magazines (!!!).
but above all else, just knowing she was there had healing powers like nothing else.
(and so did all of your love + positive thoughts. thank you, dear ones!)




what's strange is that all this emotion is showing up now, you know - sort of after the fact.
the day of surgery, even the tranquilizers they had me on weren't strong enough. as i was sitting in that chair waiting for the procedure to happen, i fought back tears that didn't come. even the discomfort in the days after didn't do it for me.

mostly, i think i'm just feeling so thankful.



it's not wisdoms i had pulled - what happened was: they cut tissue from the roof of my mouth, and stitched it to my bottom gums.
for me, i've realized it's more than just the physical act of cutting a piece of me - but it has an emotional aspect too. and here it all comes out.

and, it's just me missing her. like crazy.

it's sometimes hard to accept help from someone, even a family member. i'm realizing that about myself, at least. at a time that feels most vulnerable, i'm so loving this quote from leonard cohen:

ring the bells that still can ring
forget your perfect offering
there is a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in.

thank you dear mati, for reminding me of this beautiful truth.

xxo